The Raise and Fall of Thyself

Wow. I cannot believe I've been away for 2 months. It pains to remember I promised myself to blog more often only in my last post.

However, I have news. News worth waiting for 2 months? Definitely. Atleast, for me. I've had some tough career decisions to make - learning a few lessons along the way. Not to mention help a good friend make a live-love-career decision. Am not going to talk about that. So, the news? I've changed jobs. Not just jobs, but positions and technologies. Its a big jump from web development into the Cloud. (Sounds geeky? Never mind). Of course, I got the raise too.

The new office is really good - a well equipped cubicle, a great workstation, nice new people, free coffee, basement parking and more. My only complaint - the tiled floors. Back in my ex-company, we had carpets and I could run around, swirl in my chair all with great control and without causing damage to myself or others. Here however, even walking has to be a conscious effort for new comers. Fortunately, indoors is more manageable as I can pretend to be playfully tapping the top of the cubicles while really trying to get something to hold on to at the turns.

Some parts of our new building are still under construction - like near the corridor to the food court. So, this morning when hunger beckoned like never before, I didn't hesitate to go for a quick snack down to the food court all alone. As providence would have it, there was some fresh wood dust over the tiles (and light coloured ones that didn't highlight the layer of dust).

The fall was quick. At first impact, I thought I did good by landing on all fours. Next instant, I was on my nose. I still wonder how I managed that. After resting for sometime on the chair the security guy kindly offered, I set off towards the elevators feeling a growing stinging feeling inside my nose and a swelling on my upper lip. Later examination revealed, one of the incisors had cut the skin inside the upper lip.

It was a bit embarrassing to sit holding ice cubes to my mouth for the next several hours. But believe me, not as bad as a 6-foot framed guy slipping on tiles in front of adults who don't seem to find the tiles a bother at all - and then blog about it in first person. Damn! Read more…

Conscience

Today, has been the second case of chain snatching in my street. The neighbourhood is otherwise not so unlawful. I have memories from days when the street was dangerous only because it was very deserted and days when people liked the peaceful quiet of the place. Recently however, a case of theft, break in or something or the other comes up almost every few weeks. The street still looks perfectly peaceful (and green from above). In fact, these days with lot of people realizing it bridges important areas, it is almost always abuzz with activity. Why, once I found two foreigners representing a Church who tried to convert me in the middle of the road! But to think someone would snatch a chain in broad daylight, in this street, sends quite a shiver. That was months ago. Well planned and a chosen target. 4 bikes, 6 people. I guess they even have a name for this formation. I heard only the story about this one. Today morning was different.

I was still in bed reading the morning paper when I heard screams from the street. I'd usually have run outside to check what was up (the hero that we all are). But the voice sounded like a little girl's so I assumed it was probably a stray dog chasing her or something. Besides there was no other noise of a bike or screech of tyres. But the scream continued for a good ten seconds or so.

By the time I was outside, the girl (probably 15) was sobbing hard and 2 people were consoling her. It still looked like a dog had chased her. As it turns out, it was a chain snatch. A guy on his cycle. Supposedly one of the newspaper delivery boys. Seems like he'd tried snatching her chain first, when she put up a fight, hit her head twice and escaped with his prize. A friend once said conscience is what hurts when every other part feels good. Not always. Mine still hurts that I didn't run outside when I heard the screams. It would've taken all of 3 seconds. If not bash him up like some hero, atleast I'd have scared him off and abandoned his attempts.

To tell the truth I am still shaken by what happened. Imagine, 7 AM in the morning! 'Snatch' makes it sound quite harmless. And only ended up banging my fists on the wall in the shower. What's the point?

If only I hadn't been lazy in the morning. Bloody conscience.
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To do or not to do...

Sometimes I feel I have an ambition deficit. Now that's bad yes. Ambition is probably one of the things that drive a person. I have, often, empty thoughts. Momentary bursts of purpose. This drives me to feel I am going to accomplish something. But for how long?

I am lazy as many have branded me. I've been told I've got "stuff" and I should use it well. There's a kind who don't work hard but work smart. But, I. I must have been just lucky to survive so far. Now I feel an overload of the deficit. I feel am not doing anything special. Something extra.

I have a good paying job (touch wood). There are good prospects ahead. My career seems stable. What else can I ask for, you think. Am not asking for riches. But I desperately need some inspiration. Look at Pranav Mistry. He's about my age. Don't need to look that far - I can look at my friend's circle. Prashanth a friend from college seems to be doing a lot for his age - and he's having a super learning curve I bet. I can name so many more. There are lots of people who've gone great lengths in their early twenties - and continue to grow. That's what I want. That's what I need!

Of course, the initiative has to be mine. Trust me, am trying something these days. But it seems to be an effort not something that makes me jump out of bed as soon as I wake up. If self-motivation were a hormone, I'd like to inject myself some! This post was supposed to be an exploration a search for what I am missing. It hasn't shown itself so far. I often blame our education system for not pushing the students to pursue something. For not inculcating the habit of researching. Why should only IITians (and the like) be the ones to get encouraged and not other 'lower' institutes? Are only such people capable of doing great things? Not always. But the small percentage of people who, are motivated right from the beginning, who are 'destined' to do great things, bring glory to their land have always shown the edge. Right from kindergarten. That sucks for people like me who have had sudden 'illuminations' after they reached college. By the time I took my education seriously, lethargy was well practised. The extra effort didn't bring any excitement or encouragement. And that is like a soft cushion bed to sleep in....so I slept.

I wonder if its part of being a younger sibling where everything is easy, available and ready for you to consume. Back in college, atleast, I thought, "I want to contribute in a big way to open source projects". Open source was something that I romanticized blindly without ever fully realizing its potential or pitfalls. It was almost quixotic. And M$ hatred and the "Send/Don't Send" messages was great fuel.

This post has been long pending in my drafts. And the only things I'd typed were the first 2 lines and the PS!

I think what I need now is focus. I need to understand clearly what I want to do next and vaguely what I aim to do in the future. Focus should help. Now that I say it, I've been trying juggle too many balls at a time and ended up dropping everything.

Ah! Atleast I feel a bit better now. Blogging after so long has helped. Lets out some energy...

So that's it guys. Focus...focus...focus...focus....

PS: This blog is kind of a sequel to A look in the mirror and Gaah
PPS: This is mostly self talk and might seem dry to you. Sorry you weren't warned.
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A Silent Confession

Its been on for nearly two years now. This is the end. I've lost her. She's never going to come back to me. I must confess, I haven't treated her good. In fact, I have used her. Misused her. She gave me everything she could. Devoted herself to me. Never questioned me.

To start from the beginning, it wasn't really a love-at-first-sight kind of thing. I'd seen her before. Though I hadn't noticed, I first saw her on a loose sheet of newspaper. Then when I met her again, got to knew what she was, I became more interested. Then one fine beautiful August evening I knew I had got her. Just like that. (Though I had to run to the ATM just before) and I brought her home that very day. Mom was the usual "Am happy if you are happy" and Dad (when she wasn't around) said "Good choice son. She's very cute. Now you know why I said your previous choice wouldn't be right. Am glad you got this one instead. Anyway, not good to talk about the past..." and so on.

A few months later, the 'previous choice' came into my life again. My brother got her. (It happens people. Hope you understand). Though, it never created a problem, I must say I was like "Damn, I missed my chance". Yet, I never had second thoughts about my choice.

The first few months were great, I was showing her off to a lot of my friends. Many said, "Nice da". Some said "hey...semma cute da!". What else can a guy ask? I loved to look at her. I loved to hold her tight. Am pretty sure she enjoyed the warmth too. She too, did get warm and happy when I talked a lot (which I rarely do). Oh! How I loved fondling her!

And then, I started treating her real bad. From the days where I used to put something soft where she sat, I had come to not caring where she was lying. I started venting my anger on her. Pushed her to the floor a lot. But she took it all without a protest. Never once did she complain. A few more months passed and she started showing physical signs of my behaviour. Scratches and bruises on her face and body and more.

I didn't bother. Once I was so hard on her she cracked her head. Then a few nights later, not being able to take anymore of it, decided to leave me. Suicide. She didn't even leave a bedside note. One morning I woke up and found her lying on the floor beside my bed, in two parts. She had died peacefully in my sleep. I should've taken extra care of her in those last days, but I didn't.

And now she's gone forever. She's not much worth even in an exchange. She's left me in a confused state; I don't know what phone to buy next. Damn it! Read more…