Sometimes I feel I have an ambition deficit. Now that's bad yes. Ambition is probably one of the things that drive a person. I have, often, empty thoughts. Momentary bursts of purpose. This drives me to feel I am going to accomplish something. But for how long?
I am lazy as many have branded me. I've been told I've got "stuff" and I should use it well. There's a kind who don't work hard but work smart. But, I. I must have been just lucky to survive so far. Now I feel an overload of the deficit. I feel am not doing anything special. Something extra.
I have a good paying job (touch wood). There are good prospects ahead. My career seems stable. What else can I ask for, you think. Am not asking for riches. But I desperately need some inspiration. Look at Pranav Mistry. He's about my age. Don't need to look that far - I can look at my friend's circle. Prashanth a friend from college seems to be doing a lot for his age - and he's having a super learning curve I bet. I can name so many more. There are lots of people who've gone great lengths in their early twenties - and continue to grow. That's what I want. That's what I need!
Of course, the initiative has to be mine. Trust me, am trying something these days. But it seems to be an effort not something that makes me jump out of bed as soon as I wake up. If self-motivation were a hormone, I'd like to inject myself some! This post was supposed to be an exploration a search for what I am missing. It hasn't shown itself so far. I often blame our education system for not pushing the students to pursue something. For not inculcating the habit of researching. Why should only IITians (and the like) be the ones to get encouraged and not other 'lower' institutes? Are only such people capable of doing great things? Not always. But the small percentage of people who, are motivated right from the beginning, who are 'destined' to do great things, bring glory to their land have always shown the edge. Right from kindergarten. That sucks for people like me who have had sudden 'illuminations' after they reached college. By the time I took my education seriously, lethargy was well practised. The extra effort didn't bring any excitement or encouragement. And that is like a soft cushion bed to sleep in....so I slept.
I wonder if its part of being a younger sibling where everything is easy, available and ready for you to consume. Back in college, atleast, I thought, "I want to contribute in a big way to open source projects". Open source was something that I romanticized blindly without ever fully realizing its potential or pitfalls. It was almost quixotic. And M$ hatred and the "Send/Don't Send" messages was great fuel.
This post has been long pending in my drafts. And the only things I'd typed were the first 2 lines and the PS!
I think what I need now is focus. I need to understand clearly what I want to do next and vaguely what I aim to do in the future. Focus should help. Now that I say it, I've been trying juggle too many balls at a time and ended up dropping everything.
Ah! Atleast I feel a bit better now. Blogging after so long has helped. Lets out some energy...
So that's it guys. Focus...focus...focus...focus....
PS: This blog is kind of a sequel to A look in the mirror and Gaah
PPS: This is mostly self talk and might seem dry to you. Sorry you weren't warned.
7 months ago